The holidays can be tough. As life goes on and relationships change, it’s easy to determine the value of our holidays based on what they used to be like. Here’s a case for why you shouldn’t and why you should champion pioneering new traditions.
By the time I got to college, my parents were over the holiday rigamarole. It was a pragmatic decision eventually reached by years of doing less than the year before. First, putting up the lights on the house stopped. Then, the wreath on the fire place. Then the tree. My brother and I learned to stop asking what we were doing for Thanksgiving or Christmas because it was apparent — nothing. We found it pathetic at first, but that later changed.
No matter how tragic your holidays seem, problems are only as big as your perspective. What started out as a tragic turn of events for my brother and I, wound up getting recontextualized as an opportunity. Suddenly, we felt liberated. I no longer have to deal with family criticism? Great. We no longer have to drive two hours away? Clutch. No more kids table? Sign us up!
Since that time, I have created and recreated a variety of different holiday traditions. This is largely because my parents and grandparents have died. Sometimes the new traditions stick, sometimes they don’t. The beauty of them is that I no longer feel, “It has to be this way in order for it to be good!” The goodness of my life is not contingent on things remaining the same. It is contingent on my attitude and the persistence of my hope. There is one constant in life — change. Honor the past for how it served you, but don’t let it ruin your present.
Here are a few of the traditions I have developed the past 10–15 years:
- My dad died two weeks before Christmas in 2008. That Christmas eve, I sat in a recovery meeting crying for two hours. A Jewish friend asked if I wanted to get Chinese food with him. I said yes. For the next four years, my Christian mom and I would adopt the Jewish tradition of Chinese food on Christmas. It was nice to have somewhere to go. Shout out to my Heebs and to the Chinese community for serving us.
- My brother and I had friends (who felt sorry for us) who invited us over their houses every year. I was regularly adopted as the holiday refugee for a wealthy college friend’s family in La Jolla. I was in awe of their fancy house, the fact that my friend had four siblings and the raucous environment it created. They were in awe of my piano playing skills as they had a baby grand that just sat around collecting dust. It was so fun to rent a big family and experience all of the commotion. It was a fun tradition on/off for a decade that lasted until the 2016 election year (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on that one.)
- Merry Thriftmas. I hate the consumerism of Christmas. Hate hate hate. I hate the malls. I hate the need to give gifts. I hate the fact that every religious holiday gets side railed by marketers. I wanted to develop a Friends-related holiday party that was sustainable and fun and thus was born, Merry Thriftmas. This gift exchange party involves 20–30 friends and the requirement to buy a thrift store gift worth $10–15. I know, we’re bougie. The party involves a potluck, so everyone pulls their own weight. When the gift exchange occurs, it happens along the White Elephant “steal, steal, dead” principle. (Click here for instructions.) Some people got amazing vintage T-shirts or a telescope, others got a horrible statue of a wonky 49er mining gold. The gift exchange creates big laughs and is so much fun for everyone.
- Hermit New Years. If you’re an introvert or an ambivert, New Years eve is dicey. It’s amateur hour for drunks and a DUI is not the best way to energetically kick off the year. Hermit New Years is our annual dinner party with 6–10 friends. We have a nice dinner, we play Cards Against Humanity, we wear comfy pants… and then we have a big sleep over and in the morning make a huge breakfast and watch the Rose Parade. It’s a great way to cherish the people you love without getting price gauged by subpar New Years party promoters.
- Thanksgiving at a nice restaurant. You know what’s SUPER amazing? Not doing dishes on Thanksgiving. I know, it’s sacrilege. You love the stress of trying to make the turkey and get your house cleaned. Guess who doesn’t? Me. My husband and I began inviting my brother and his family / friends to a course dinner at a restaurant on Thanksgiving instead of having people over. You can still have all the drama of being with your family with none of the stress of wondering which kid is going to break your Le Creuset casserole dish that you only use once a year.
- Christmas and/or New Years vacation. I find the last two weeks of the year to be my best time for a recharge. My email is dead. No one is setting useless meetings. Everyone is off the grid. It’s a great time to get away. This year, I’m taking off the first week of the year and going on a girl’s trip with my best friend. It feels luxurious and fancy to not come in on January 2nd. It feels like the start of a wonderful new tradition.
It would be very easy for someone like me to be an “I hate the holidays” kind of person. My dad died December 13th ten years ago, the day after his birthday and two days after their anniversary. My mom died four years later. Some of our family stopped talking to us after he died. The rest of my family lives in Brazil. We all have those “things” — those narratives that tell us that our holidays are no longer good enough. Guess what though, they are. You are. You just have to be willing to create new traditions and regroove the record of your life. What if this is your best holiday season ever? Guess what? You can create it. Change your thinking and change your life.
